“Welcome to Hare India.
Please fasten your seatbelts. We’ll be taking off shortly for our rightful place in the world. During this journey of a few hundred years, you may experience some turbulence; so we request you to always keep your seat belts on, senses intact and listen carefully to your inner voice. That, incidentally, is centuries old and different from a new phenomenon called ‘His Master’s Voice’.
What inner voice, you ask? Remove those earphones. Maybe that’ll help. Use of any kind of electronic devices is prohibited after the doors slam shut. We work only through files, briefs and Twitter.
Even if things sound contradictory to commonsense or principles of natural justice, please understand we care two hoots for your concern. Before you start kicking & screaming, please go through the information cards placed in the seat pockets in front of you, and, more importantly, the misinformation on social media.
In the event of loss of government support, free visas from Antigua or some such country will drop down from the overhead panel. Please make sure you grab one before helping your loved ones get theirs. Our magnanimous government and immigration officials will take care of the rest. Service charges apply, of course (wink wink). 😉
Affluent passengers travelling with infants, and grown ups who behave like them, please make sure your entire clan is comfortably strapped-in for the ‘we’re going to Ibiza‘ ride out of India. We look forward to hosting the adults on return in Arthur Road jail where you rightfully belong.
Should you choose to return, your comfort will first be monitored by foreign judges whose ancestors have partaken in the national loot we facilitated at the cost of honest taxpayers like your Captain and his team onboard today.
While on the topic, please don’t grudge our pay or stripes. We’ll never live long enough to enjoy even an iota of what you have stashed in your checked-in bags or offshore accounts.
While you sailed the high seas on Indian Empress, people like your Captain today served in uniform, payed our taxes, and then some. When we return home after exhausting our Flight Duty Time Limits, we are happy to serve some more, if only you would keep the justice system upright. In 2018, we are still licking the wounds left behind by those of your ilk and ‘mai-baaps‘ that let you escape. Our licence and balls are firmly in the hands of the regulator while yours are cushioned and padded by Bordelle and Agent Provocateur.
We are presently awaiting clearance for pushback and start. I am pleased to inform you that all efforts to push this country of 1.35 billion back to the stands have been successful. After you fasten your seat belts, you can raise a tweet to that.
Please sit back and enjoy our award winning service. Thanks to your patronage, in place of steady GDP growth, $5-trillion economy & three hard-earned meals, we now consume 3GB of data daily so that your planes are fuelled and ready to fly you out anytime, night or day.
We are now ready for the fight, err…flight. It’ll be a crazy ride, but who knows what lies on the other side. A mansion in Kensington, London perhaps. We’ll keep you updated as and when we receive more disinformation.
Here’s wishing you happy dozing and may you wake up to smell the ‘tapri chai‘ brewed by our own Leader-in-Chief – the crusader who wanted to bring back all the loot stashed abroad. Little did he succeed; like all benevolent dictators.
We value only your business; balls to the hell you had to endure to get enrolled in our frequent-scam program. As a demonetized customer, we urge you to enrol in our flagship ‘Make in India’ program where you can avail special offers for making things that have already been around for decades.
For any assistance, feel free to contact our 24/7 helpline or tune in to ‘Dhann ki Baat’. Kindly brace for delays that may ruin the centennial of your organisation’s existence. We are a nation in a hurry with an imported compass that keeps ‘hunting’ for social media traction. Please bear with us. It’s all because of some late bloomers who held office before the ruling dispensation.
We wish you a safe flight and hope to fool with you again. Thank you for flying Hare India.”
©KP Sanjeev Kumar, 2018. All rights reserved. I can be reached at email@example.com. Views are personal.