“Welcome to Hare India.
Please fasten your seatbelts. We’ll be taking off shortly for our rightful place in the world. During this journey of a few hundred years, you may experience some turbulence; so we request you to always keep your seat belts on, senses intact and listen carefully to your inner voice which, incidentally, is several thousand years old.
What inner voice, you ask? Remove those earphones. Maybe that’ll help. Use of any kind of electronic devices is prohibited after the doors slam shut behind you because we work only through files & briefs.
Even if things sound contradictory to commonsense pouring through our centuries-old fountain of wisdom, please understand we care two hoots for your concern. Before you start kicking & screaming, please go through the manuals and guidebooks placed in the seat pockets in front of you.
In the event of loss of government support, free visas from Antigua or some such country will drop down from the overhead panel. Please make sure you grab one before helping your loved ones get theirs. Our magnanimous government and immigration officials will take care of the rest. Service charges apply, of course (wink wink). 😉
Affluent passengers travelling with infants, and grown ups who behave like them, please make sure your entire clan is comfortably strapped-in for the ‘we’re going to Ibiza‘ ride out of India. We look forward to hosting the adults on return in Arthur Road jail where you rightfully belong.
Should you choose to return, your comfort will first be monitored by foreign judges whose ancestors have partaken in the national loot this gullible nation facilitated at the cost of honest taxpayers like your Captain and his team onboard today.
While on the topic, please don’t grudge our pay. We’ll never live long enough to enjoy even an iota of what you have stashed in your checked-in bags or offshore accounts in the name of aviation and precious stones.
While you sailed the high seas on Indian Empress, people like me served in uniform, payed our taxes, and then some. When we return home after exhausting our Flight Duty Time Limits, we are happy to serve some more, even if that be ‘maid-for-each-other’ duty. In 2018, we are still licking the wounds left behind by those of your ilk and ‘mai-baaps‘ that let you escape. Our licence and balls are firmly in the hands of the regulator while yours are cushioned and padded by Bordelle and Agent Provocateur.
We are presently awaiting clearance for pushback and start. I am pleased to inform you that all efforts to push this country of 1.35 billion back to the stands have been successful. After you fasten your seat belts, you can raise a toast to that.
Please sit back and enjoy our award winning service. Thanks to your patronage, in place of steady GDP growth & three hard-earned meals, we now consume 3GB of data daily so that your planes are fuelled and ready to fly you out anytime, night or day.
We are now ready for the flight. It’ll be a crazy ride but who knows what lies on the other side. A mansion in Kensington, London perhaps. We’ll keep you updated as and when we receive more disinformation.
Here’s wishing you happy dozing and may you wake up to smell the ‘chai‘ brewed by our own Commander-in-Chief – the crusader who wanted to bring back your loot stashed abroad. Little did he succeed; like all benevolent dictators.
We value your business, and the hell you had to endure to get enrolled in our frequent-scam program. As a valued customer, we urge you to enrol in our flagship ‘Make in India’ program where you can avail special offers for making things that have already been in existence for decades.
For any assistance, feel free to contact our 24/7 helpline. Kindly brace for delays that may ruin the centennial of your organisation’s existence. We are a nation in a hurry with an imported compass that keeps ‘hunting’. Please bear with us. We would like to think it was because of some late bloomers who held office before the ruling dispensation.
We wish you a safe flight and hope to fool with you again. Thank you for flying Hare India.”
©KP Sanjeev Kumar, 2018. All rights reserved. I can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Views are personal. Please don’t copy paste. It discourages struggling writers. Please share the link as received.